


i wish i could believe you’d never wrong me

by whimsicalMedley



Series: Be More Chill Songfics [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Depression, M/M, Post-Canon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trans Michael, Trans Michael Mell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 13:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15819954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whimsicalMedley/pseuds/whimsicalMedley
Summary: Taking a deep breath, Michael tried to distract himself with happier thoughts. The Squip was gone. Jeremy was back. Jeremy finally got the girl. Everyone was happy.Everyone except Michael.___Michael struggles in the aftermath of the Squipcident, and has a depressing realization.





	i wish i could believe you’d never wrong me

**Author's Note:**

> HEED THE TRIGGERS IN THE TAGS PLEASE!!!
> 
> anyway, i was sad and this happened. its honestly just a mix of projection and rambling, so enjoy i guess. vent fics are gr8.

_Baby we built this house_   
_On memories._   
_Take my picture now_   
_Shake it til you see it._   
_And when your fantasies,_   
_Become your legacy,_   
_Promise me a place_ _  
In your house of memories._

_-House Of Memories, Panic! At the Disco_

* * *

 Michael couldn’t sleep.

The clock on his phone read 3:13 AM, and he groaned in frustration. His mind wouldn’t shut up, and it was a school night. Of course.

_“Get out of my way, Lizzie.”_

Taking a deep breath, Michael tried to distract himself with happier thoughts. The Squip was gone. Jeremy was back. Jeremy finally got the girl. Everyone was happy.

Everyone except Michael.

Michael was being left in the dust. Again. And this time, it was _Jeremy_ who was doing it. There was no Squip to blame, just himself.

_Maybe if I wasn’t such a selfish brat he’d still be here._

Michael clenched his teeth, trying his best to resist the urge to scratch at his scarred arms and watch more blood well up. The self harm was starting to get out of hand again. He couldn’t go more than a few days without breaking the blade out, totally decimating his two year clean streak. All because of that fucking Halloween party.

_“Get out of my way, Lizzie.”_

Jeremy’s voice rang through his head, taunting and cruel. Logically, Michael knew it was the Squip. It made him say that. And yet…

_You’re a fucking freak, Mell._

Michael could feel the tears building, and he knew himself well enough to know he was starting to spiral. Normally, he’d call Jeremy when his thoughts got too dark. Jeremy would sit up with him and just talk, soothing Michael with the cadence of his voice until Michael was asleep. Not anymore.

Ever since Jeremy got released from the hospital, he’d barely talked to Michael. Whenever he did, he never looked Michael in the eye. Michael knew he screwed up, but he didn’t know _how._ He wanted to fix it, but he couldn’t if Jeremy didn’t talk to him.

Jeremy didn’t have a problem making friends with the popular kids, though. Jake and Rich would whisk him off for “bro time,” and Chloe, Jenna, and Brooke would take him shopping all the time. Not to mention the fact that Christine was always hanging on Jeremy’s arm.

The worst part was, Michael couldn’t hate Christine. It would be so easy if she was a bitch, if she was mean and insensitive, but Christine Canigula was a literal angel. She was made of sunshine and rainbows. Michael could see why Jeremy had fallen for her. Between himself and Christine, there was no competition.

He’d been left behind again.

The group tried to include him, but since Halloween, Michael was terrified that everyone had an ulterior motive. That he was actually annoying everyone he talked to, and they were only barely putting up with his rambling and weird jokes.

No way of getting hurt if you didn’t let anybody in.

So Michael closed himself off. Maybe he was supposed to be alone. Maybe this was just how his life would be. The thought was sobering, because if that was true, Michael wasn’t sure he wanted to stick around.

Physically jerking at that thought, Michael felt his mood go from iffy right to panic attack. He hadn’t thought about suicide in so long. Michael had almost forgotten the numbness and pressure on his chest that accompanied it. He had clawed his way out of his suicidal thoughts because he had people that loved him. He had his mom and his mama, and Jeremy. But Jeremy was slipping away again. And now? Now it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

Michael was tempted. He was really, really, really tempted. It would be so easy; he had a stash of aspirin for his headaches right in his backpack. It wouldn’t take much effort to do it. But even the minimal effort was too much. Michael felt like his limbs were made of lead, and he wasn’t sure he could move if he tried. He was tired. Michael was so fucking tired.

He wouldn’t do it tonight. Maybe he’d get the energy at some point, and then he could stop annoying everyone he came into contact with. So for now, Michael was content to sluggishly type out his goodbyes on his phone.

_to mom and mama,_

_im sorry you had such a sorry excuse of a child. i know that youre probably sad, and im sorry for that, but youll be over it soon enough. im just so tired of being left behind and forgotten by the people i love. im tired of being second best. im especially tired of my own thoughts. im tired of being trapped in my head, because its not a happy place. please know that this isnt your fault. you both loved me better than anyone, and i couldnt be more grateful to call you my parents. im so sorry that it ended this way, but its my time._

_i love you both to the moon and back,_

_michael_

Tears started to drip down Michael’s face. _I love you to the moon and back._ Something his moms would tell him when he was younger and upset. They still did, when he was distraught enough. Michael remembered coming home after the Halloween party, covered in ash and probably in shock. His mom had shrieked and fussed over Michael, and the dam broke. He told them about how Jeremy had been ignoring him for weeks, and how he basically told Michael to fuck off, deadnaming him to boot. Mama had been furious, her hand on her phone to call Jeremy herself, but Mom was able to stop her in time.

Mama and Mom weren’t exactly welcoming to Jeremy anymore.

Wiping his eyes and turning back to his phone, Michael continued.

_to jeremy,_

_im gonna start by apologizing. im sorry i was such a shitty friend. im sorry that i was annoying and bugged you about stupid things all the time. im sorry that im so selfish, and im sorry i kept you to myself for twelve years. we were each other’s only friend, and i realize now that it wasnt enough for you. and thats okay._

_my second confession is that ive been in love with you since seventh grade. you stood up for me and believed in my when no one else did. you put up with my three am calls, my hyperfixations, and you never complained. i dont blame you for wanting someone better, because frankly, i would too._

_i dont know what i did to make you avoid me, but whatever it is, im sorry. youre an amazing person, and i know youre gonna do great things one day. i wish i could be there to see it, but i cant do this anymore. the cutting doesnt calm me down like it used to, and its gotten to the point that weed just makes me paranoid._

_im not sure how youll react to me being gone. im not sure if i want to. the selfish part of me hopes that youll miss me, but i dont know if thats true. but if you dont, thats okay. just promise me that you wont forget your player one, okay?_

_i love you,_

_michael_

Shutting his phone off, Michael placed it on the bedside table and shifted to face his wall. His mind had quieted down, finally. The letters cemented it; Michael was going to end it at some point. The only thing he could feel about that was relief.

Michael could only hope that Jeremy would remember him.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: persephones-pyre


End file.
